This one is about telephones on ships, and why I hate them. Hate them with all my heart. Not just hate - detest them, more like. I wanted to curse and use foul language, but my editor made me watch my language, so let's just say I have a strong dislike for telephones.
Don't get me wrong, I am not anti-social. I just hate telephones when I am at sea. Not my beautiful little darling smartphone, of course - that one is my companion, my partner - maybe a little bit closer to my heart than my editor even! My feelings are restricted to the work phones. And there are so many of them on a ship, it feels like you are being stalked. They are like those cute little pugs in the Vodafone commercials, just not as cute. Not cute at all. Ugly monstrosities, in fact. Why do I hate them, you ask? Fair warning - I am going to rant. Still interested? Hmm..read on then!
1. The volume. On a ship, you can't hide from a ringing telephone. Sitting on the shit pot, focused on the job at hand? You will hear them ring. Deep asleep when the night is dead-er than the last mammoth? You will hear them ring. Does not have to be your phone even. The cadet's phone goes off, three cabins down the alleyway, you will hear it ring. Fill your ears with sand, stick your head in a bucket of ISO 8217:2017 HFO RMG 380? You guessed it, that ring will be heard.
2. The timing. Imagine yourself sitting at your desk, with your hand inches from the phone. Invoke all the Gods you have heard of, and will the phone to ring. Will it? Nope! Now get off the chair go take a shower. Are you all lathered up, covered in soap? Perfect! Tring Tring! The timing is near-evil. The phone must ring the moment you have picked up a bunch of tools and climbed on top of the cylinder head. Or when your arms are elbow deep in a filter casing, covered in oil. Or when you just lowered 6 meters of sounding tape in a double bottom tank. Or when you climbed 20 meters of ladder, grease gun in hand, to check out the funnel flaps.
4. The idiot who calls. This is the single largest reason why people want to commit murder at sea. I have climbed up multiple ladders only to be asked to check that the service air is open (which it always is). I have tripped countless times, trying to get to the phone before it disconnects, only to be asked "Sir AC barabar chalu hai kya?" I have had people call me on my cabin extension, only to ask me "Kidhar ho?" You called me in my cabin, you effing idiot! We are on a ship! Where would I go!
I could go on and give you a thousand reasons to explain why I hate phones, but maybe the following very real conversation is enough for you to feel my pain. This happened when I was off watch, known to be getting a few hours of sleep before I take over watch again in another couple of hours.
Idiot Boss: Chaar saab, what are you doing?
Me: Nothing sir, tell me.
IB: Sleeping kya?
Me: Yes sir.
IB: Kaise so raha tha?
Me: .........
IB: I mean, thoda sa so raha tha ya theek se so raha tha?
Me: Huh?
1. The volume. On a ship, you can't hide from a ringing telephone. Sitting on the shit pot, focused on the job at hand? You will hear them ring. Deep asleep when the night is dead-er than the last mammoth? You will hear them ring. Does not have to be your phone even. The cadet's phone goes off, three cabins down the alleyway, you will hear it ring. Fill your ears with sand, stick your head in a bucket of ISO 8217:2017 HFO RMG 380? You guessed it, that ring will be heard.
2. The timing. Imagine yourself sitting at your desk, with your hand inches from the phone. Invoke all the Gods you have heard of, and will the phone to ring. Will it? Nope! Now get off the chair go take a shower. Are you all lathered up, covered in soap? Perfect! Tring Tring! The timing is near-evil. The phone must ring the moment you have picked up a bunch of tools and climbed on top of the cylinder head. Or when your arms are elbow deep in a filter casing, covered in oil. Or when you just lowered 6 meters of sounding tape in a double bottom tank. Or when you climbed 20 meters of ladder, grease gun in hand, to check out the funnel flaps.
3. The news. It is never good. How often do you get calls only to be told that the cargo pump turbines are running perfectly fine? Let's see...exactly never! If the phone rings, you learn to brace yourself for bad news. Usually, it is one of two things - either things that should be moving are refusing to budge; or things that should be staying put are spinning in circles. In fact, as soon as your phone rings, two things happen: your eyes automatically check that at least one lamp is still glowing, and your ears automatically try to get a feel of the engine's thump.
4. The idiot who calls. This is the single largest reason why people want to commit murder at sea. I have climbed up multiple ladders only to be asked to check that the service air is open (which it always is). I have tripped countless times, trying to get to the phone before it disconnects, only to be asked "Sir AC barabar chalu hai kya?" I have had people call me on my cabin extension, only to ask me "Kidhar ho?" You called me in my cabin, you effing idiot! We are on a ship! Where would I go!
I could go on and give you a thousand reasons to explain why I hate phones, but maybe the following very real conversation is enough for you to feel my pain. This happened when I was off watch, known to be getting a few hours of sleep before I take over watch again in another couple of hours.
Idiot Boss: Chaar saab, what are you doing?
Me: Nothing sir, tell me.
IB: Sleeping kya?
Me: Yes sir.
IB: Kaise so raha tha?
Me: .........
IB: I mean, thoda sa so raha tha ya theek se so raha tha?
Me: Huh?
IB: Okay, we can talk later.
Me: Okay sir.
True story, that.
Same here bro!! The most hated non living thing on ship!! 🤬🤬
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